Solving Procrastination Today (Not Tomorrow)

I am distractible, impulsive, mildly lazy, and…..something else (I had it in my mind, but I thought about something I wanted to say later and then forgot it). Did I say distractible?

These qualities/handicaps are a perfect storm when it comes to procrastination. Not only do I secretly want to postpone everything until after I finish playing Scrabble online, I also can’t remember what it was I felt so passionate about five minutes before. In addition, in the middle of doing one thing, I get ideas about a half dozen  delicious activities while trying to avoid putting off something that is less delectable.

Do you see my problem? Do you relate to my problem? Of course you do. David Glenn, writing about surveys among post-graduate students (yes, those guys and gals who have actually proven they know how to work without watching re-runs of Lost as the hours tick closer to deadlines), says that 60% of these good students practice regular procrastination. In addition, the majority experience some level of self-loathing because of it.

This has got to stop. In my meanderings through 40 years of being in the work-force, I have actually learned to stay on task and complete necessary assignments. Years ago, I wallowed in self-loathing a lot, but now I rarely ever do it. I actually have learned how not to procrastinate – even with my personal proclivities in that direction.

Here’s how I do it. You may find better ways to handle yours, but at least you can start with mine. With procrastinators, a starting place is always a helpful place.

Six Ways to Avoid Procrastination

1. Do things as soon as you think about them. This one idea changed everything for me. I have so many things whiz through my mind like Space Invaders. I used to get annoyed at how whimsy my brain was – until I learned some of the ‘shooting star’ thoughts were actually things I had been avoiding. For instance: I was typing this article and realized (for the fiftieth time) that my screen is getting pretty gross with dust and fingerprints. I took that moment of personal disgust to propel myself out of the chair to find the cleaner and clean it off. Then, since I had the cleaner, I did the same thing to my tablet and smart phone. I had been putting off cleaning all three. This is what can happen if you leverage your distractedness and use it to approach a task you’ve been avoiding.

Yesterday in the grocery store, I saw some place-mats that looked perfect for the dining room table. In examining their price, I saw the word “Mat” and thought of a friend named Matt. I was supposed to call him and set up a lunch. So on the spot in the grocery store, I called. If I had left it until I was finished shopping, 3200 ideas would have already traveled through my mind, rubbing Matt off the face of this earth.

2. Understand why we don’t want to do certain things. Anything you have been consistently putting off is usually something you don’t want to do in the first place. The next time you put it off, ask yourself why you don’t want to do this. Then imagine what is the worst thing that could happen if you finish the task. Usually, it is our vague sense of impending problems that get in the way of doing work; and this procrastination actually cause more problems.

I normally don’t like talking on the phone. I like to see a person’s face and read their body language so I can catch the bigger picture. So I often procrastinate making phone calls. Recently, I asked myself what would be the worst thing that could happen if I did mis-read what they were saying. When that didn’t feel too onerous, I found it was easier to make the call.

3. Do things that have to be done a little at a time. At least half of the jobs I put off until later are huge. I get easily daunted by things that are going to take several hours to complete. This includes many household chores, some writing assignments and most errands that involve driving downtown.

But in particular, getting ready for major meetings often takes at least two hours. Unfortunately, setting aside strategy thinking causes me to miss some prime preparation thoughts; ideas that would have aided me if I had done them sooner. To prevent my lazy mind from taking over, I break the large tasks down into stages. Then I complete as much of the task as I can in a short period of time. The accomplishment of part of the goal makes it easier at a later point to come back to it.

This winter, I was building a retaining wall in the back yard for a new garden. It was so big in my mind that I literally put it off for a year. To overcome this, I considered the steps I would have to take to get it done. There were several dozen. But once I started to check off the completed items, I realized I was more than half done in so much less time than I feared.

4. Do unpleasant tasks at the same time every day. If there are items that have to be done regularly, get into a habit of doing them: a) early in the day b) at the same time every day. This is a type of behavioral conditioning and it works. Anything we do at the same time every day gets put into a mental place that brings a sense of satisfaction. There is even a payoff reward our brain gives us when we complete something that is done every day.

5. Do a bunch of tasks you’ve been putting off one right after another. The idea here is to get on a roll and when you get that sense of accomplishment, jump immediately into another one of your tasks that has lurked like a mocking sailor. For me, it has to do with phone calls again. Once I break the cell phone barrier and make the call, I ask myself what other calls need to be made. Since I always make lists of people I have to contact, one glance tells me who to call. When I have already called one person, the next person gets easier. At some point, our brain says “resistance is futile” and stops giving such a hard time.

6. Know how to keep lists. The best way to keep a list is to have it close to you at all times. I prefer an online list-maker called Wunderlist. It is free, available for every device and is the easiest program to use. And I look at it on average about a dozen times a day. It is always open on my computer, phone and tablet. And, when great ideas go through my head, I just pop it onto one of my lists and forget about it…until I read that list.

So what item is hanging over your head? Stop wallowing and put some of this into practice.

Adoption As An Evangelical Problem?

Adoption As An Evangelical Problem?

Ed Stetzer helps to address a problem that may not be a problem. To summarize:

1. According to writer Kathryn Joyce, some adoption agencies use their auspices to traffic third-world children.

2. Evangelicals adopt children overseas more than the average population.

3. Joyce sees connections between those two items; others do not.

Read it yourself and be informed.

A Look at Suicide: An Outsider’s View

By age 12, I thought about a lot of morbid things and, regrettably, these included thoughts of suicide. I was both depressed and full of anxiety, and the thought of ending my life gave me a sense of power over events and a promise of relief from my inner turmoils. I even made a few plans on how to do it, though I never carried any of them out.

By age 13, I never thought about suicide again. I was fortunate. Many are not.

From Roger Establet, and his book “Suicide: The Hidden Side of Modernity” I learned I would have fit into the prototypical suicide demographic had I gone ahead with it. I was male (men commit suicide 4 times as often as females), I was young, and I had an alcoholic parent. The only demographic I didn’t fit was the birth order: More suicidal males are the youngest among the siblings. I am the oldest.

Three weeks ago, one of my childhood friends contacted me and let me know his youngest son had taken his life. Two weeks ago, I had lunch with a college friend who told me one of our professors had taken his life after finding out he had cancer. This past weekend, one of America’s best-known pastors announced to their congregation that his son had committed suicide.

This horrific subject of suicide rears its head in the forefront of my brain again.

One of my closest colleagues experienced the agony of his son’s suicide ten years ago. The last time we talked, it was just as painful as year one.

In the 33 years I have been a counselor, two of my clients took their own lives. The first was a 42 year old woman with a lifetime history of depression and suicide attempts. The second was a 27 year old man who had kicked a cocaine habit, but was arrested for possession a year later in a bizarre circumstance. Out of shame for how this would look to his family and friends, he hung himself in jail.

Both suicides made me want to give up counseling. Even though I resisted this thought, both lives convinced me I needed to understand as much about suicide as I can. Yet, I found very few helpful resources on the subject. There is good reason for this.

Only the dead know what really happened inside of them. And they aren’t talking. If we could just ask them to describe the downward cycle right before they ended it all, we might know how to prevent this.

Yet no one wants to talk about suicide. Very few people feel they can ask the questions that niggle at our brains. Even fewer will allow their emotions to surface when we discuss why and how someone took their lives. Why is that? Do we all fear somehow by talking about it we will dishonor the person or their family?

Perhaps we all fear the power that suicide vainly offers us to end all our miseries. And we all have some misery at some time.

I was asked many years ago to officiate at the funeral of a police officer who had shot himself. I had actually been called on the scene of his death as the police arrived, primarily to support the mom and step-daughter who were part of our church community. The step-daughter and the man had been fighting. He excused himself, went upstairs, took his service revolver and ended his life.

In preparation for the funeral, I met with his family. He and his four brothers were all police officers. This was the second brother who had taken his life. I asked their permission to get direct and serious with everyone at the funeral. I looked the other three brothers in the eye during my homily and told them how selfish the act of suicide is and can be. I wasn’t being unsympathetic; I was trying to prevent a third suicide.

Malcolm Gladwell in “The Tipping Point” highlights a sociological study done in Micronesia in the 1970s. Suicide on that tiny chain of islands was almost non-existent before a particular date. After that date, for ten years, Micronesia had the highest teen suicide rate of any country in the world. Then, just as quickly as it started, suicide was rare again. As Gladwell studied the statistics, he found that near the beginning of the epidemic, two very prominent young men had committed suicide. This led to a rash of copycat behavior and many young people died copying these examples.

One of the things that Gladwell concluded is that suicide is one of life’s most difficult decisions; but unfortunately, it gets easier to make if people you know have done it.

In 1995, in Kalispell, Montana, 18 teens made a suicide pact with each other. They had a crazy notion they would die and then haunt each other’s funerals and get even with their enemies. Anyone who broke the pact would be haunted for the rest of their lives. Four of the students actually took their lives and then one of the still-living students spilled the beans to her parents. The entire town was shaken to the core. Pastors, counselors, social workers and teachers were brought in from a great distance to counsel every student at that high school of 1800. We were trying to prevent an epidemic.

Some of my colleagues interviewed the surviving girls who signed the pact. Strangely, these girls did not have a bad life. They were not depressed or particularly angst-filled (at least, not more than any other teen). They had signed the pact because they wanted to be part of something esoteric and supernatural. They were toying with eternity and knowing that others were joining them made death less scary. Unfortunately, the real death of four friends struck them with an emotional punch. They couldn’t go through with it.

But they still had contemplated it. And that is the danger of suicide in a culture: Once one person takes that route, it gets marginally easier for others to do the same. That is why I preached the message I did at the police officer’s funeral.

However, here is my point. Suicide comes in flavors and it would be good for us outsiders to understand that as we intelligently discuss it. To be helpful for your understanding of this real tragedy of people taking their own lives, let me give some reality checks about what may be happening inside a person who ends their lives.

1. Not all Suicide Is for the same reason. This excellent article from Psychology Today lists the six reasons people attempt suicide. To summarize, they come down to these:

• Depression
• Psychosis
• Impulsive behavior
• A cry for help
• A philosophical desire to die
• They made a mistake (as in, they didn’t intend for their action  to end their lives).

2. Not all self-destructive behavior is suicidal behavior. For instance, a girl who cuts herself with a razor blade may not be trying to kill herself. More likely, she is cutting herself to relieve stress by triggering endorphins when the pain starts. People sometimes like to hurt themselves to relieve a sense of shame also.

3. Mental illness is not a spiritual disorder or a sin problem. It is a malformation of the brain. We would never say a Down Syndrome child has a sin problem. They have a misjoined chromozomal pattern. Yet when a man has a Limbic system that has been malformed since birth, causing him to have depression and suicidal thoughts every day, we often associate this with a lack of faith or bad behavior. It is revealing how many times the family of suicidal men describe their lost loved ones as kind, thoughtful and moral. This is not the profile of a sin-obsessed person.

4. Some suicides are copycats. Having said that, the best thing for someone who is contemplating suicide, being spurred on by another person’s example, is to talk about it. Once it comes out of their minds and into the arena of discussion, it will sound differently to them.

5. Never call their bluff. If a person says they are thinking about suicide, it may be a call for attention. But it may not. Even the most skilled professionals are unable to tell the difference between a serious cry for help and a call for attention. If someone tells you they are thinking about suicide, ask them if they are willing to go to a professional for help. If they aren’t, ask them if they want to talk about it. NEVER, EVER say “Go ahead.”

6. Some suicide is rooted in selfishness; some is not. There is no way as an outsider to tell the difference. I suggest you don’t try.

7. Suicide is almost never the result of someone else’s actions. Romeo and Juliet aside, most people are not driven to suicide; it is completely their choice. It is a decision of course, but there are always alternatives. If you are one of that tragic group of people whose friends or family members have taken their lives, you may be tested by the thoughts of what you could have done to prevent it. Or, conversely, you may wonder if you were one of the causes. If you are even thinking that, it means you are not one of the causes.

8. Remember, you don’t see the world the way they see it. If you could see the world through the eyes of someone with psychosis, suicide may make sense. If mental illness had caused you to construct a psychological world where you are the superhero and your death would save hundreds of people, it looks noble, not meaningless. To wit: Do not try and evaluate someone who kills themselves. We do not have their internal point of view. Grieve for them certainly and find a way to move on. You will never fully understand.

Exercises That Will Help When You’re Offended

Several years ago, I was counseling a woman who had severe depression marked by suicidal tendencies. After a month of counseling, most of the depression had lifted. But every time we made progress, she would return to issues regarding her sister. She could not let go of the pain her sister had caused.

She refused to talk about it. She would get choked up, and the knot in the center of her brow tightened. Finally, after we had exhausted every avenue of getting past this hurt, I told her I didn’t think there was anything else I could do to help her.

I could see her struggle internally – and then she decided to tell me.

“She told everyone in the family I was always going to be fat!” As she said this, her skin became flushed, she knotted her hands together in the middle of her chest and she bent over in pain. This hurt so badly it even caused somatic symptoms. It had happened 27 years before, when the girls were teenagers.

John Bevere, in his book “The Bait of Satan” calls this “personal offense”. He believes that personal offense is the root cause of almost every relationship problem on the planet. I have taught on this truth in seminars and no one ever disagrees with it. Unfortunately, the solution most people recommend is to “gut it out” and “just forgive them.” I really wish it were that simple.

But it isn’t. You cannot  just will away the hurt others have caused you.

But I have found we can dig up the root reasons for why personal offense burrows into our soul and eats away at our peace of mind. Here are eight exercises (and one final healthy response) I recommend to my counseling clients when they struggle to let go of past pain and move forward into forgiveness.

1. Think of a time when you did something similar to the thing you are offended by. Part of the ache we experience comes from a sense of injustice. It is not fair that others lie to us, gossip about us, take advantage of our trust. It is fascinating though, if I ask people to think about a time recently when they did something similar to the way they have been mistreated … people often feel the internal knots start to loosen.

Most of us commit offenses on a semi-regular basis, but we often don’t see the troublesome nature of our actions. It is only when it is done to us that we get upset. As we go through the exercise of thinking how we have done the same thing, it gives us a measure of empathy for those who have sinned against us.

2. Ask God to show you how He sees the situation. Several years ago, a friend of mine made a list of things I needed to improve upon. It was not a pleasant list; many of the items called into question my intelligence and choice-making. I was deeply hurt by the list. After marinating in my inner irritation for several days, I asked God to show me how He saw the situation.

First, God pointed out how some of the list items were actually true. Second, he showed me how my friend had been feeling cut off from me and didn’t know how to express his own hurt. This gave me enough solace so I could forgive him and set up a meeting. During our time together, I expressed my regret at how I had cut him off recently. Then I proceeded to tell him how some of the items on the list were very true. I also ended by helping him see how he had gone beyond the truth in some items as well. We re-established our relationship at the end of that meeting. (By the way, I have his permission to share this story).

3. Ask yourself who the person who offended you reminds you of. If the same person keeps offending you, and especially if your reactions to these offenses seem more intense than they ought to be, ask yourself if this person reminds you of someone else you were hurt by in the past. Often, we have trouble letting go of a personal hurt because the person reminds us of a person or situation we have not forgiven years before.

4. Put yourself in their shoes and ask how they would want others to react to the situation. If we can begin to see how it probably looked from the point of view of the person who hurt us, we may perceive the incident differently. Perhaps what we interpreted as a criticism was just a simple question. Or maybe the attack was motivated by fear for our safety. Even if the offense was truly offensive, we may discern how it was motivated by something we had done. Seeing things from the other person’s perspective softens the blow.

5. Keep short accounts. Wherever possible (and it’s always possible) try to let go of the hurt before the end of that day. Each day you coddle an offense, the larger it grows. Think of it as a debt. The longer you take to pay off a debt, the more you will have to pay and the more onerous the burden.

6. If feasible, talk to the person who offended you. Don’t just assume they know what they did or how you reacted to it. I can’t even begin to count how many times couples have said to each other in counseling, “You know what you did”. The reality: they often don’t.

7. React in the Opposite Spirit. One of the great teachings found in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) is this concept of giving people back the opposite of what they give you. If a person speaks hurtful words, speak a blessing. If they take something from you, give them even more. If they force you to do something you don’t want to do, help them in love. This will completely leverage your own soul and feed it while they witness you are not affected by their hurtful behavior.

Early in my walk with God, a man cheated me at a local business. The details are unimportant. I made plans to go to the local Better Business Bureau with the hope of causing him some kind of grief. My roommate in college offered to pray with me about it. As we prayed, I had a sense I was supposed to go into his shop and ask if I could pray a blessing over it (even though we both knew he had broken something of mine). When I went down there and asked him if I could pray, he mumbled that I could do whatever I wanted. So I prayed God’s blessing on his business. I left that place a free man.

8. Forgive and Release. When you have done some of the exercises above, then meditate on this question: Do I feel free now to forgive them? If you don’t, do some more exercises. But keep testing the water of your soul until the release comes.

9. Set boundaries that are safe and healthy. If a person keeps on hurting you, and if there is something you can do to prevent that hurt from happening, do so. The best medicine, after all, is preventative medicine. I have a friend whose husband had cheated on her four times. At one point, as she concluded he was going to keep doing this, she asked him to move out and get his own apartment. She told him not to tell her about any of his extra-marital relationships. In the end, she fought through her personal offense and decided not to divorce him. She often had him over for family dinners with her and the children.

So why did she ask him to move out? He had truly broken the marriage bonds between them and she didn’t want to keep hating him. If he stayed in the house while continuing to trample their marriage vows, the pain would not end. She truly forgave him, but she put a boundary so she didn’t have to keep looking at his offense.

The woman I mentioned at the beginning of the article did several of the exercises written here. What finally helped was going to God and asking how He saw her sister. God showed this woman that the sister was jealous because the mother favored the older sister. She got revenge by criticizing her sister in public. My client realized she had carried all this pain for years and had no idea what her mother’s favoritism must have done to her sister. Within a year, they had reconciled and now have a healthy adult relationship.

This works wonders if you’ll allow it.

It Wasn’t Worth It

Recently, I was playing golf on one of the more challenging courses in our area. My partner hit his ball over the water (almost) and it skipped off the surface into the weeds under a foot bridge. From my angle, I could see much more accurately where it came to rest, so I offered to go under and get it. His words to me were prophetic, something I wish I had known.

He said, “Don’t bother Mike…it’s not worth it”.

Ignoring him, I hiked down to the level where I saw the ball settle. Carefully, I plucked it out of the little mud hole it was in. My partner had been skeptical I could get it out, so I was excited to show off my retriever skills. In my haste, I forgot something.

I was under a bridge.

I stood up quickly to tell him I had the ball in the palm of my hand and the top of my head thunked into the bottom of the bridge support; the METAL bridge support. It hardly had any give to it, which is something I can’t say for the top of my head.

As I yelped with pain, I took a step backward and my right leg went entirely into the water.  My golf shoe sunk into the mud quickly and it took all my personal finesse to get my leg out with the shoe still hanging on the end of it. So now I am wet on one side of my body, aching on the top of my head and dizzy from the concussion. I staggered up the incline toward the cart path. My partner came over and asked me what caused my yelping and groaning. When I told him the short, sad story he repeated his earlier comment:

“It wasn’t worth it Mike.”

I ended up with four days of concussion symptoms and on top of it all, I had to buy the world’s most expensive sports socks in the clubhouse. After the fog cleared, I had time to ponder my escapade and something occurred to me. We could use that prophetic statement a lot in life.

We tend to wander through life with very little thought given to how a small action or attitude can affect the rest of our lives. But if you look at the major events of your life, most of them are predicated on a number of very small, seemingly insignificant, decisions.

Proverbs 14:12 capsulizes the essential idea of this:

“There is a way that appears to be right,
    but in the end it leads to death.”

It takes me all of thirty seconds to think of dozens of examples of this. A couple has an extra-marital affair, sharing a few hours of sexual pleasure and, in the end, this tryst can ruin their marriages, livelihood and can even end in death. An hour in a Las Vegas casino may seem like a short period of time, but it can empty out even a substantial bank account. A casual decision to shoplift, a spontaneous lie, an angry outburst in traffic, a rash investment, a one-night stand, a day of playing hooky, a resentment coddled for one day too long; all of these can produce wickedly harmful results, even though they take almost no time to indulge.

What is the antidote to these fast mistakes?

It is healthy to wake up in the morning and say, “I need to be careful out there. Not everything is worth doing.”

It is even healthier to wake up and decide, “I am going to consult God before making decisions today.”

It is healthiest to wake up in the morning and invite God to fill us to overflowing and then to allow His presence to guide all our steps.

Are Relevant Churches Really Relevant?

This is the fourth most popular post of the past ten years. It is part of our series where we reprint the top ten blog entries. Enjoy.

Some friends have suggested I spend too much time on the Internet. It depends on what you mean by “too much time”. I have a counter on my computer that keeps track of every minute I’m online; it rarely goes over one hour a day. But I get a lot done with that hour. I have a newsreader that collects all my favorite blogs, newspapers and magazines and trims them down to headlines. Therefore, I sometimes read things very quickly without deep reflection. Occasionally, it takes days until I react and respond to what I’ve read. What I’m going to talk about next is a result of one of those situations. I cannot even find the original article this idea came from. (I am sure one of my readers will find it and help me out, so I’m not worried about plagiarism).

I want to talk about the word “Relevant”. In the immortal words of Inigo Montoya (of the Princess Bride): “I do not think that word means what you think it means”. And it is the collective brain trust of contemporary church leaders who may have misunderstood the meaning and direction of this word. This sometimes happens with words; normally it’s not that big a deal. For instance, people often get the words “irrespective” and “regardless” mixed up. People sometimes jumble their definitions and thereby combine them wrongly to make “irregardless”. Irrespective means to know something and then to have no respect for it. Regardless means that you choose not to regard an issue. They are close in meaning, but not exactly the same. For example, I certainly understand what goes into the mind of a man who commits adultery. But I have no respect for his actions. Irrespective of his actions, I take my own actions. But I cannot disregard his actions, especially if they happen to someone close to me. In the case of adultery, I cannot act “regardless”, even though I can act “irrespective”. You see, they don’t mean the same thing.

Relevant is close to another word “relative” and the similar adjective “relational”. Relevant means to stick to the issue at hand. Relative means to relate to something or someone else. Relevant has to do with issues, controversies, position statements, movements and ideas. Relative has to do with people, choices, culture, tastes and situations. A person who is arguing in a political debate and is asked about their position on war will be relevant if their answer has to do with war. If it has to do with political parties, economics or sports, they are probably not relevant to the issue at hand. A great synonym for “relevant” is “pertinent”. The question a person needs to ask when trying to decide if they’re being relevant is this one: Does my approach pertain to the issue at hand?

If someone wants to be relative or relate to others, they should adopt similar styles, dress, language, approach and attitudes. They must agree with those positions to be relative to the issues at hand. Here then, is the big difference between being Relevant and being Relational: A relevant approach addresses the key issues exactly, irrespective of whether they agree with the position of others. A Relational or Relative person seeks to identify as closely with the position and approach of others. So with these definitions in mind, let’s ask ourselves this question: Those churches who claim to be “relevant” to today’s culture, are they indeed that way or are they more “relative” to the dominant memes of our day?

I will be over-generalizing, but this is the only way to make this essay shorter than an entire book. I hear of churches constantly using the word relevant to refer to their public services. What do they usually mean by that? This video mocks the trend, but it is not really all that misguided. Here then are some ways that churches represent themselves as “relevant”:

• Casual, weekend style clothing.
• Modern styles of music, usually reflecting latest trends in style similar to what is played in Christian concerts.
• Use of video, movies, television shows, commercials and trends to show commonality with audience
• Expensive lighting, sound systems and printed material, often eclipsing other public non-profit organizations
• Use of latest software and hardware for multimedia presentations
• Sermon topics relate to the everyday life of listeners, especially in areas of raising children, marriage, finances and use of leisure time
• Advertising material, including websites, brochures and radio/television ads are high quality and often produced by professional advertising agencies.

This, then is what most churches mean by Relevant. I contend that this is the absolute wrong use of the word and has reduced the concept to something much more shallow than it was intended to represent. I will share two reasons why I think we are using this word at the end of this article, but let’s see what this approach really is: Relational.

When church leaders model their dress after the manner people usually wear on the weekend, they are trying to help the average person feel more comfortable. There is no “issue” or “agenda” with this. There is no pertinent value a church seeks to communicate other than this: We are like you. We relate to you. You relate to us. We don’t think we’re better than you. (I do have a minor problem with this: We wouldn’t disdain a bank teller for wearing a tie, or a waiter, or people going out on the town…we allow for all of those to dress for the occasion. What we are saying to people in church is ‘this is not really a special occasion’). Sermon topics that relate to where people live every day are relational. They may also be relevant (ie. when they deal with particular issues that spring from daily life), but generally the approach is to have people know the preacher is aware of what issues accrue when his hearers live their daily life. The style of music is designed to relate to what people are listening to. Many churches now actually use songs written by secular music artists and then give the songs contemporary Christian meaning. This is rarely done to address particular issues, but more to show people that the church is not out of touch with what they listen to. The same can be said of the use of video, television and pop cultural references. All of it is packaged to tell this culture: “We’re one of You”.

That is not being Relevant: That is being Relational. And in the words of Jerry Seinfeld “not that there’s anything wrong with that”.  (You see, I can be relational as well).

I have occasionally joked that I have the secret formula for getting 10,000 people in church next Sunday: Just contract with Justin Bieber to be the special musical guest. It’s the church equivalent of “sweeps week” for the television networks. The idea behind these gimmicks is that if people keep coming, they will eventually fold into the congregation and learn more about God. I hesitated even writing this paragraph because someone is now looking up the phone number for Bieber’s agent.

Now let me tell you what “Relevant” looks like. If you always look and sound the same as everyone else, you are entirely unnecessary. That isn’t being relevant, it is being a parrot. Relevant means we look at the issue everyone is speaking of and realize what isn’t being said and then say it. When Martin Luther pounded his 95 Theses on the Wittenberg church door, he was addressing one of the most irritating issues of his day: That some priests were selling indulgences as a way to raise money, promising people a quick doorway into heaven if they purchased a large number of them. No one was standing in the way of this false teaching, except Luther. Everyone was copying what they heard from friends because it was safer that way and others liked them. I have to ask today if churches aren’t stuck in that same emotional rut. Like everyone else, we do want people to like us. We want them to hit “like” on Facebook. We want them to keep coming back to services week after week, even if all we’re doing is repackaging what 1000 others have said, perhaps better than us.

Relevant, on the other hand,  is when Jesus noticed that people were being cheated right in the middle of a prayer room and then, in a prophetic act, he upended the tables of the money-changers. Relevant is Jackie Pullinger pulling drug addicts off the streets of Hong Kong and getting them clean when the dominant society ignores them. Relevant is Erin Gruwell addressing drug wars and the deaths of her students with a radical plan to change their learning style. Relevant is Peggy Drake who worked to comfort AIDS sufferers in West Africa while most Christians were saying it was God’s judgment against homosexuals. Relevant is a preacher resigning from his wealthy church because they would not adopt a lifestyle of caring for the poor. Relevant is almost always counter-cultural, it addresses today’s news with timeless truths, it lives the way it believes and garners respect because it doesn’t try to bribe people into following its viewpoints.

How Relevant is your church?

Without a doubt, by fleshing out these definitions, you will realize that churches will fall into four categories:

1. Not Relevant, not relational
2. Relevant, but not relational
3. Relational, but not relevant
4. Both Relational and Relevant

Why then would churches choose to be relational and not particularly relevant? I think there are two reasons for this. First, being relational is much easier and does not cost us much. We all learned in elementary school that it went better for us if we adopted the latest trends and fashions and were friends with the most popular kids. Differing even a fraction from the dominant elementary school culture put us in the outcast group and we hated being relegated there. We still do. Pastors and church members don’t want to think their approach to living is all that much different than their neighbors. They want others to know they don’t indulge in the more extreme activities of secularism (like drug use and listening to Insane Clown Posse), but they are proud to be able to make a comment on the American Idol Final 8 or to express a preference for their favorite cocktail. It is easier to blend in.

Second, most of us don’t think counter-cultural living is valid. We wrongly look with suspicion on anyone who swims upstream on issues –  especially Christian issues. Note how decidely Rob Bell was excommunicated by people for his book on Hell even though most people had not read it. I remember when Tony Campolo’s wife came forward to talk about the issues related to her pro-choice stance. Not only was she summarily rejected by evangelicals, so was her husband. Though I disagreed with her on some points, she needed to bring the issue to the forefront. It was a pertinent voice in a sea of “sound-alike” Christian voices.

There are churches today that are both Relevant and Relational. They are seldom large churches, but I suspect fifty years from now they will be the ones we think back on fondly as having the biggest impact on our culture both secular and Christian. So, the question is this: Do you really want to be Relevant or just call yourself that while simpering away in Relational?

Appreciating (Again) Extraverts and Introverts

This week, we are featuring the top ten most viewed blog entries on this site. This is #6 on the list with over 10,000 hits.

In the years I have spent studying personality traits and how they fit into human interaction, I am most fascinated by Introversion and Extraversion. A proper understanding of these traits is essential to appreciating those who live with us and around us…and perhaps gain a foothold on our own personality and preferences.

The two terms were coined by the Psychoanalyst Carl Jung. The words mean “To take the world outside and absorb it within ourselves”(Introvert) and “To take our inner world and extend it outside ourselves” (Extravert).  There are people who are given to searching and seeking for ‘something’ within themselves and others who seek for ‘something’ outside of themselves. I say ‘something’ because it is never clear what we are seeking or extending. In fact, what we are extending or seeking for may be different for each person. It may be satisfaction, joy, excitement, answers, questions, or energy.

There is an interesting story in the Bible which I have pondered for a long time. A woman who had been bleeding for twelve years came to a public meeting where Jesus was healing people. In Jewish law, a woman was not allowed to touch someone when she was bleeding (menstruating or otherwise). We can only assume this woman had gynocological problems that would not stop. Therefore, she could not touch or be touched by anyone during those twelve years. That is an eternity to be cut off from others, especially if you have any extraversion in you. So she comes up behind Jesus and touches the corner of his clothing. Power goes out of him and heals her. He senses that power is leaving his being and asks who touched him. She cringes at that question and tries to hide. Finally she admits it was her and he declares her healed and clean, thus paving the way for her to enter regular societal interactions again.

Her act of touching him secretly is not uncommon for introverts. They desire to attain their needs without touching other people too deeply. Touching other people requires an introvert to exert a lot of energy. We are told in the same story that Jesus knew that power had gone out of him. It is possible for people to draw things from us, especially if they are introverts. In real life, introverts are always watching out for those who would try to do this to them, and they are sometimes guilty of taking energy from others.

What is also interesting is that she immediately feared that she was in trouble when Jesus asked who had touched him. This had much to do with her years of being an outcast, but it also shows us something about introverts and their motivation levels. Hans Eysenck, one of the world’s most famous experts on Personality proposed that Introverts are more motivated by the possibility of punishment and extraverts by the possibility of rewards. The woman who touched his garment came forward because she was convinced that to do otherwise would bring a punishment.

I was speaking with a friend the other day who asked me if there is any such thing as an absolute Introvert or Extravert. That would be impossible to answer of course, because when you think you have identified the absolute standard for either, someone will always come along who is even more extreme. All of us are somewhere between the two extremes. Even though extraverts commonly recharge their emotional energy by being around people, most extraverts will also come to a point where they are “peopled” out. The emotional crash for an overstimulated Extravert can be dramatic. In the same way, introverts can come to a season in life where they are understimulated by being too isolated. They often will develop deep sense of boredom and restlessness and this can lead them into expecting too much of the few people they have allowed into their lives.

Intriguingly, of all the characteristics of personality, this dualism of extravert/introvert tends to change the most as we get older. Younger introverts will often develop a need for people as they get older. In the same way, extraverts will often find themselves developing habits of retreating from the world occasionally as their age increases. If you visit a nursing home, you will find it very difficult to identify some of the introverts and extraverts. I believe that many people over sixty are “X-types” when it comes to this measurement of personality. (Note: An “x” type is defined by Myers-Briggs proponents as a person whose personality is more toward the middle on a personality trait dualism such as Introvert/Extravert).

I remember visiting an elderly client one time who shared a room with an older gentleman. He told me his roommate conplained constantly about how much he missed his family. But once they would come for a one-hour visit, he would immediately nap afterwards and tell his roommate how tired he was. The extravert part of him wanted their company, and the introverted expression of himself was wiped out by the reality of their presence.

Aren’t people funny?

How Important Is Trust?

For the next few weeks, I will be reprinting the 10 most viewed posts from this blog. This one today, posted three years ago has had over 10,000 hits. I give it to you with no explanation other than to say, it is time we learned how to trust the way God does.

“Mike, she has lied to me too many times. I just can’t trust her any more – I can’t do it!” He kept twisting the telephone bill around and around in his hands, siphoning off some of the anguish he felt in the process.

“I can completely understand why you don’t trust her. She hasn’t given you any reason to trust her, has she?”

“So it makes sense to you why I don’t want to be married anymore? I just assumed you would tell me we have to stay married. But how can you stay married to a woman you can’t trust?” I could tell by the tone in his voice and the look of finality on his face that he had already decided. I knew he wasn’t going to like or understand what I was going to say next. Fortunately, that has never stopped me.

“Since when does trust have anything to do with love and marriage?” I asked. As soon as I said this, his head shot up and he looked me right in the eyes. I could tell he wrestled with exactly how he wanted to word his objection, but after discarding several versions of his indignation speech, he just said, “What?!”

“Listen. You assume that love and trust go together, don’t you? I know you do, because almost everyone does. But everyone just happens to be mistaken in this case. We have been duped into thinking that you can only love someone if you can truly trust them. As soon as that trust relationship is broken, love cannot follow. That’s what you believe, isn’t it?”

He agreed. That was what he had always been taught.

He had been taught poorly.

I explained that this view of love and trust do not come from either common sense, from acknowledged teachings of the Bible, or any other philosophical writings. This view of love owes more to pop psychology than reality.

For instance, Dr. Joyce Brothers (the diva of pop psych sex counseling) says “The best proof of love is trust” and ““We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” I assume most people reading those words find some sort of resonance with them. But they don’t really make sense in the real world, not when you think about it.

Let’s start with the basic concept of God. Christian teaching establishes that God loves us, each of us. My question is this: Who loves us more than God? By definition of who God is, no one can love us more. Yet who trusts us LESS than God? He knows everything about us, analyzing us from our motives to our hidden faults. When we have fooled the rest of the world into believing that we are holier than Martin Luther King, God has all the evidence.

So look at the equation: God loves us more than anyone else and trusts us less. We are told this about Jesus in John 2:24:

But Jesus would not entrust himself to them, for he knew all people.

Yet his amazing love extended to a point where he surrendered his life to pay for our spiritual debts. Such great love; such little trust.

A parent of a four-year old does not trust their child very much. We know that the second we turn our backs, they will be shoving nickels up their nose or grabbing oreos by the armload right before dinner. Yet we love them passionately. The love of a parent does not rest on any shaky foundation of trust any more than a bridge rests on a foundation of sand and mud.

Trust is actually an emotion. It is an emotional response when we notice and admit others around us are consistent in their actions. I say “admit” because if we have decided we can’t trust people, no amount of proof is going to change that emotion.

But we can always love. Love is a decision that says “I will do the best thing for you. I hope that next month you will show me more reasons to trust you, but until that time I will love.”

When we love before we trust, we show the greatness of our character and the durability of our impact on the lives of those we love.

Who are you having trouble trusting? Then don’t. Don’t trust anyone absolutely, but do love them.

Sex and the Single Christian

The other night, my wife and I caught an episode of “Parenthood” on Netflix before bed. If you know the show, it’s the episode where 16-year old Haddie admits to her mother that she and her 19-year old boyfriend are having sex. Mom panics. Mom tells Dad. Dad panics. Dad and Mom agree that Haddie needs to be warned to use contraception (“not just the pill, but condoms as well”).* See Note at the bottom.

Then Haddie’s parents, Adam and Christina, look at each other and say “What else can we say to her?” In their minds, they both remember they had sex the first time before high school was over and it didn’t kill them. So they decide to give Haddie the ‘responsible warnings’ and move on past it.

I told my wife that many Christians we know would have been scandalized by that episode. They would have risen up out of their chairs, incensed that the parents did not offer any moral assistance or guidance. They would have observed it is difficult for parents to give children a moral compass when they didn’t have one at the same age.

But I’ve been wondering lately at some of the messages we send single Christians about sex. Many Christian book authors and bloggers are wondering the same thing. For instance, Sarah Bessey in an article titled “I am Damaged Goods” tells about a Church youth rally she attended:

I was nineteen years old and crazy in love with Jesus when that preacher told an auditorium I was “damaged goods” because of my sexual past. He was making every effort to encourage this crowd of young adults to “stay pure for marriage.” He was passionate, yes, well-intentioned, and he was a good speaker, very convincing indeed.

And he stood up there and shamed me, over and over and over again.

Oh, he didn’t call me up to the front and name me. But he stood up there and talked about me with such disgust, like I couldn’t be in that real-life crowd of young people worshipping in that church. I felt spotlighted and singled out amongst the holy, surely my red face announced my guilt to every one.

He passed around a cup of water and asked us all to spit into it. Some boys horked and honked their worst into that cup while everyone laughed. Then he held up that cup of cloudy saliva from the crowd and asked, “Who wants to drink this?!”

And every one in the crowd made barfing noises, no way, gross!

Read the entire article here.

At the end of the article, she concludes:

“No matter what that preacher said that day, no matter how many purity balls are thrown with sparkling upper-middle-class extravagance, no matter the purity rings and the purity pledges, no matter the judgemental Gospel-negating rhetoric used with the best of intentions, no matter the “how close is too close?” serious conversations of boundary-marking young Christians, no matter the circumstances of your story, you are not disqualified from life or from joy or from marriage or from your calling or from a healthy and wonderful lifetime of sex because you had – and, heaven forbid, enjoyed – sex before you were married.”

If you’re like me, you start to respond “yeah, but…” and then trail away.

If the statistics are correct, 80% of Christians have had sex before marriage. And if the anecdotal evidence from many Christian counselors is accurate, pre-marital sex does not ruin your sex life in marriage; and conversely, maintaining virginity does not guarantee you will have an enjoyable sexual relationship with the person you eventually marry.

Here is the bottom line: God-followers are running out of the stock answers for why Christians shouldn’t have sex before marriage. For the past twenty centuries, we have fallen back onto these:

1. No one will want to marry  you if you’ve had sex before marriage (almost always applied to women).

2. God will judge you for having sex.

3. You will open yourself up to demonic attack.

4. You can get pregnant (women), STD’s (men and women), mental illness.

5. Society will reject you (once again, women).

6. Your future marriage will be doomed to failure before it starts.

As you can see, most of these no longer apply in the twenty-first century. Contraceptives have gone a long way to eliminate the scare of pregnancy and STD’s. Western society no longer punishes or segregates those who have sex. Marriages don’t seem to be ruined by people who have premarital sex (any more than those who got married as virgins).  And perhaps most noticeable, Christian singles have sex and no lightning from the sky falls to smote them. Indeed, it seems like most of the reasons we have told each other for abstinence no longer seem as scary or applicable.

Chanel Graham, writing on her experience with Christian singles in New York City, observes,

When I moved to New York City in the years following college, I was devastated to learn how many of my Christian friends were regularly hooking up at bars and sleeping with boyfriends and girlfriends with no plans for marriage. And more than that, they didn’t seem to feel bad about it. The sub-cultural sentiment was that abstinence is worth preaching through the college years as parental influence wanes and students bumble through the early years of adulthood. But for twenty and thirty-something Christians, for mature adults who had yet to find the one and had been battling hormones for a decade-plus, waiting was child’s play. Celibacy among my Christian peer group was viewed as cute and commendable, but certainly not crucial.

Since few single Christians are willing to abstain from sex forever, what should be the next dialogue for the Church and single Christians?

I had a close friend tell me a few months ago that there are no valid reasons and we should give up telling them to abstain. I didn’t agree with him then or now, but I admit the reasons are not as obvious as they used to be in days gone by.

The easiest way to put this is we should not have sex before marriage because God does not want us to. That’s the easy answer. But that just begs two more questions:

1.What does God say in the Bible about pre-marital sex?

2. What happens to unmarried Christians if they do have sex?

So let’s dive into these two incredibly relevant questions.

So when did God first address issues concerning pre-marital sex? God didn’t say anything to Adam and Eve or their children. This is noteworthy, since it is obvious there was a lot of sex taking place in the early days of man’s existence: There was a whole lot of begetting going on…and apparently, it was all okay. God never mentioned sex to Noah before the flood or to Noah and his family after the flood – other than “Be fruitful and multiply”. And apparently, all this was okay too.

We see the same pattern with Abraham. Abraham even engages in extra-marital sexuality (see the relationship between he and Hagar, his wife’s maid). God never says a word about Abraham’s sex life. Nor does God intervene with Isaac and Jacob. Jacob married a couple of sisters and has sex with both of their maids as well (with his wives’ permission…they had a little bit of a sibling baby competition going). Still, God does not say anything.

With Jacob’s children, a lot of extra-marital sex happens. Probably the strangest incident involves Judah and his daughter-in-law, who gets pregnant by him by pretending to be a prostitute. At this point, God is still silent over the entire issue of what sexuality is allowed and what isn’t.

Thrown into the mix however, is a poignant scene where Sodom and Gomorrah are incinerated…most likely because of their homosexuality. However, we’re not even sure if that was the entire issue (Ezekiel also points out the sin of greed as the partial reason for Sodom’s demise).

So where does God start talking about extra-marital sex? In the giving of the Law to Moses, God begins to lay down some boundaries regarding sexuality. In Exodus 22, Leviticus 19, the same set of limitations are placed on sex. They were not to have sex with relatives. They were forbade from homosexuality and bestiality. They were not to engage in sexuality related to idol worship or group sex. But in no case is premarital sexuality addressed. Nowhere in the Mosaic Law is there a prohibition against premarital sex.

If you peruse the rest of the Old Testament, there is a complete absence of prohibition on pre-marital sex. In fact, there are many commentators who point to the Song of Solomon as a tacit endorsement of enjoying sex before marriage. I do not agree with most of their assessments, but it is clear that Song of Solomon does nothing to show the dangers of sex outside of marriage.

In the prophets, however, we get the first glimpse into God’s true heart on the matter. I need to qualify this to point out we only get a glimpse of God’s biggest purposes in sexuality. All of the relevant passages say the same general thing, so I will just deal with one of them.

Isaiah 23:17 (NIV): “At the end of seventy years, the Lord will deal with Tyre. She will return to her lucrative prostitution and will ply her trade with all the kingdoms on the face of the earth.”

The word for “prostitution” here is a word which refers to “fornication”, most commonly defined as sex outside of marriage. In every case where the prophets mention this word it is in reference to two things: People having sex related to idol worship (forbidden in Deuteronomy) or as a picture of nations courting other nations for protection.

In other words, there is no absolute verse in the Old Testament that does more than hint that sex outside of marriage is wrong. However, the references made to this sexual practice through the prophets do show that God does not think highly of sex outside of marriage. I can just see some Christian singles wanting to stop right there and be satisfied that their sex life is just fine as far as God is concerned. But please, keep reading.

There is much in the New Testament that is worthy of study. But it is not as straight-forward as parents might like when talking to their kids. Take for example,

Matthew 15:19: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

The inner heart of man can conceive of many shades of evil thoughts…one of those is called “immorality”. It is a Greek word that sometimes means adultery. However, because “adultery” is used right before it in this list, it cannot mean that. The other meanings of this word include fornication, group sex and idol/temple related sex. There is no reason to believe that Jesus would be referring to either group sex or pagan temple sex, for neither of these were practiced in Israel at that time.

Therefore, he is referring to sex outside of marriage in whatever form it happens. And in this verse, Jesus is not talking about the act, but the heart that conceives these things. The core of a heart that wants sex outside of marriage is called “Evil”. The Greek word there is Poneros. Though it means ‘evil’ the root of the word means “that which causes pain”. These are painful things. It is not that a person is called evil at their core, but that these thoughts lead to pain. Murder is obvious, as is adultery. But Jesus lumps immorality in with the rest. Why? It doesn’t say here. But it is pretty clear this is not God’s best plan.

Years ago, I had a couple of parents drag their 16-year old daughter in to see me so I could “talk some sense into her”. She had just admitted to her mother that she had sex with her boyfriend. She had not become pregnant and didn’t know why her parents were making such a big fuss. I was furious inside that they would totally shame their daughter in front of me. (Later, I did sit them down to tell them how much they owed their daughter an apology). But the conversation I want to relate at this point happened with the girl.

She was 16. She admitted the details of the sexual encounter and how badly she felt about it all. In fact, she looked sick as she told me what happened. What began as a make-out session quickly led to sex. Her boyfriend talked her into going “all the way”. She was not sure what was happening; and then it was all over.

She felt horrible and hated her boyfriend. It ruined their relationship from that point forward. Most of her questions for me had to do with why anyone would ever want to have sex. It hurt, she felt betrayed and everyone “hated” her afterward – including her boyfriend.

I assured her she had experienced one of the worst-case scenarios regarding sex. If she were to sit down with 100 women who have had sex before marriage, most would have related a better story than hers. Most would also have said that the experience was not everything they had hoped for.

But the key thing she realized after several counseling sessions is her early entrance into the sexual arena was painful in so many ways. This is the idea inherent calling extra-marital sex “poneros”…it can be very painful at so many levels. In order to see what this really means, we need to look at the most detailed explanation of God’s view on sexuality, found in 1 Corinthians 6 and 7.

First, it is no surprise that a letter to the Church at Corinth should contain clear teaching on sexuality. Even by the somewhat “loose” moral standards of the ancient Greek and Roman world, Corinth stood out as an extreme place. Any and all sexual practices were flouted by the Corinthians. Orgies were relatively common and temple prostitution abounded. Women who went out in public usually had to cover their entire head so as not to be confused with a temple prostitute. (Note: This is the point Paul will make in 1 Corinthians 11 when he warns Christian women not to go out with their heads uncovered).

But in 1 Corinthians 6, Paul has several points to make about immorality of all kinds. We can safely assume this includes all types of extra-marital sex. Here are the highlights of what he says:

1. The life we live in the Kingdom of God does not fit well with sexual immorality. - 1 Cor. 6:9-10,

“Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

All of these activities hinder the sanctifying work of the Spirit in our lives and stunt our spiritual growth. The verb tenses here mean that each of these sins are ongoing problems, not just one-time experimentation. This verse isn’t talking about someone losing their virginity but rather a person who has sexual encounters as a regular part of their lives. The more someone indulges unhealthy, painful activities the more it blocks the work of God in their lives. The Kingdom of God is not primarily about salvation but more about the Sanctifying work of the Spirit.

So the first thing we learn here about immorality is it blocks the work of the Spirit and thus the working of the Kingdom of God in our lives. Sexual immorality causes a person to walk more and more focused on pleasure and renders them less capable of seeing the godly path in front of them.

2. Our physical bodies are not the only part of us involved with the sexual act. In 1 Cor. 6:13-17, Paul says,

“ You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶ Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit”.

Even though Holy Spirit is spirit, his presence in our lives affects our bodies also. Romans 8:11 affirms this:

“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.”

Our bodies are somehow affected by sexual immorality. I do not know how or to what extent this happens. This is not judgment per se. No one should say that God sends disease or disaster on us because of sexual immorality. More to the point, the act of sexual immorality blocks the healing flow of the Spirit and therefore blocks some of that life he is giving to our mortal bodies.

Also, we are reminded that our lives are given over to Christ when we become a Christ-follower. In these verses, Paul wonders what happens if a person joined Christ to a prostitute. This person is reminded that we are one with Jesus in spirit. Therefore, there is some connection deeper than the physical that goes on between two people when they are sexually joined.

This perhaps is a hint toward the deeper meaning of sex and the deeper danger of sexual immorality. If the physical joining is also the beginning of a deeper connection between two people, then casual, flippant sex is dangerous. It potentially creates bonds between people that are harder to break than non -sexual friendships.

3. Sexual immorality causes us to sin against ourselves: 1 Cor. 6:18-20 puts it this way:

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. ¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

If you commit sexual immorality – i.e. sex outside of marriage – you probably hurt no one more than yourself. It doesn’t describe how we hurt ourselves, but I think we can imagine. Our lives are a delicate balance of the physical and spiritual. We know that any kind of psychological pressures and failures can wreak havoc on our bodies. When someone is involved in sexual relationships that are less than God’s ideal, it will have some emotional effect. And this emotional effect will take some type of toll on the body.

I’m not talking about superstitious things like hair on your knuckles. I am not talking nonsense like those who claim AIDS is a judgment for homosexuality in our world. I think we rob our bodies of energy and compromise our immune system by creating deep sexual bonds with other people before we’re ready.

All of this is saying that sex is more complicated than two people joining their reproductive organs together. You don’t even have to be a Christian to know that. Our emotions are so heightened when sex is involved. When a couple goes from being friends to being sexual, immediately the stakes are higher. What might have provoked mild jealousy in the friendship stage, now causes huge emotional reactions in the sexual stage. How many people can handle that kind of stressor in a relationship that has yet to be fully defined?

The value of waiting until marriage for sex is that it brings those stressors under the boundaries of a covenant relationship. At least in theory, two married people are required to work through any problems they have in their sexual relationship. That is not the case with teenagers. Haddie and her boyfriend had sex and their relationship inexorably changed (as it always does). Eventually, the escalation of their relationship into sexuality was a prime factor in why they split up a few months later.

Paul in Chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians concludes the discussion on premarital sex this way: “Now for the matters you wrote about:

“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”  But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

Paul does not see sex as inevitable. There is nothing in God’s mind or Paul’s that concludes everyone has to have sex. It is not a right or an absolute need. However, Paul also recognizes that some people will go through life eternally distracted by the opposite sex if they don’t get intimate. So he proposes this is why God created marriage. It is a place where sex can be bound to a covenant. It makes life a little less complicated, a little less painful and somewhat sexually satisfying.

I qualified all of the above statements because as long as sex exists in this world, it will be the point of so many problems and contentions. That’s why Paul probably advises to stay away from it if you can. If you can’t, help sexual pressures out by putting it in the boundaries of marriage. This is the better way.

If you have had sex before marriage, you have not necessarily ruined a future marriage. You have not become a candidate for God’s wrath. You are not a dirty person. You have not given away your best gift. You simply have a choice what you want to do from here.

I believe there is a best way.  Most people today are not finding that way…getting lost in the vagaries of sexual experimentation. But, if you don’t find it at first, keep looking for it. Certainly, don’t allow the enemy to our souls to discourage you if you are no longer a virgin. Virginity is not the point at all. The point is that we have to choose each day how we want to walk with God.

The Bible and the Spirit of God will help you.

*[Endnote: I am concerned that the writers of "Parenthood" did not use the plot of the show to address the illegality of 16-year old Haddie and 19-year old Alex having a sexual relationship. In California - where the show is set - this is called Statutory Rape. This is irresponsible by the show. Teen viewers may not realize they are watching something illegal if someone doesn't point it out. My wife told me she has been informed by the authorities (as a school nurse and thus a mandated reporter) that they will not enforce the Statutory Rape law when the sex is consensual and the parties are this close in age. My point is, it is irresponsible of the show not to address this issue, especially since they were willing to bring up the issue of underage sex].

How To Respond to this Tragedy in Connecticut

As a counselor, let me give two pieces of advice, especially to parents right now.

1. Please, please turn off the Television. This is one time that seeing all the images will not help you. Visual stimulus will fuel that fear center and cause you to be focused on an artificial focal point television networks think you need to gaze at (much of which is speculation and sensationalism). Therapists always report a huge uptick in fear-related illnesses and mental pathology after tragedies because of television.

2. Spend the hours you would be watching television reflecting on what this means for you and your family…and for our nation. Then begin to pray.

UPDATE: Here is a tremendous paper written on the effects on children who watch tragedies (such as this one in Connecticut) on television. This excerpt really tells the tale:

Nevertheless, repeated television coverage may perpetuate fear, panic and despair associated with a disaster. A child potentially re-experiences the trauma each time it is witnessed. Many children witness these images without adult supervision. Moreover, media coverage may create anxiety in caregivers which impairs their ability to comfort children impacted by the coverage(6).While media serves an important role in delivering news and current events, often there is a degree of sensationalism and insensitivity to such reporting. The following is an example of a tragedy and the response of the media to such an event.