Movies I Will Never Watch AgainSeptember 7, 2006
A totally new category, and one I am sure to raise a few eyebrows. These are movies I now consider to be a waste of: a) 2 hours b) emotional energy c) money and d) everyone’s time who made them. Feel free to add your own to this list as you like.
1. How To Make An American Quilt. If you read the list of actors in this movie including Wynona Ryder, Anne Bancroft and Ellen Burstyn, you’d immediately think that it had brilliance written over it. You’d be as wrong as bees courting artificial flowers. The movie went way over budget, over time and over common sense. The plot is so stupid: Older women trying to tell a young woman about to be married that all men are scum. All the while making a quilt and smoking pot. The studio was so tired of all the overruns, that they ordered the director to get the movie out ASAP. In anger, she released it with very little editing. As a result, in the later scenes, you can see mike booms, other cameras and wires, actor’s mistakes etc. The DVD doesn’t contain these (it was cleaned up later), but the VHS version does. It is a waste of time and thought. Not that the moviemaker had much to work with: The novel was just as bad.
2. Ladykillers: Tom Hanks is as good a character actor as they come. Why they had to saddle him with this absolutely one-dimensional cast and a poorly re-written script is beyond me. Having a Wayans brother in it made it a complete disaster.
3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: Oh Bill Murray…please divorce Wes Anderson and go back to making Groundhog Day 2 or What About Bob 2…instead he makes this one which is basically “The Royal Tenenbaums 2”. And the first of that name was torture enough.
4. The Royal Tenenbaums: See above on number 3.
5. French Kiss: I like Meg Ryan, love Kevin Kline…hated this movie.
6. At Play in the Fields of the Lord: Yes, missionaries have done things that are not right. But this movie doesn’t even get those mistakes accurately. It just assumes that all missionaries are wrong and their motives impure… and about hour 8 of this movie I couldn’t take it any more.
7. Zoolander: Even though it is a mock-out festival, there is only so much of Owen Wilson and his tranquilizer-replacement looks and Ben Stiller mugging for the camera that you can take. People keep wanting to find layers in this movie. It has layers the way that a septic tank has layers.
8. The Last Samurai: Tom Cruise cannot save this snore-festival. My son describes it as slowly pushing a pencil into your eye, stopping for several minutes and then pushing again.
9. Dune: A book that made me believe in world-building as a hobby became a movie that made me believe in fire-bombing movie studios.